Learning, Living, Coping, Healing

It has come to my attention that it doesn't matter how good things get, I always have something nagging in the back of my mind.  Apart from being a generally anxious personality I always have this feeling that it has something to do with my divorce.  Why do we get so caught up?  I know I loved my husband, hopelessly...for a decade.  I also know that he was unkind and emotionally crippling.  I am always wondering if the guilt/grief that hides in the back of my mind has to do with my belief that marriage is truly a union that should last forever, if I'm scared of the future, feeling my children's pain, or if you never really stop caring about someone that was so close to you.  I have a new life.  I am happy.  The people around me love me and I love them.  Sometimes I get angry that I couldn't have that WITHIN my marriage.  I feel shortchanged sometimes that I had to choose I guess. Like if the person that I loved could have just loved and accepted me for who I was, I could have a happy life with loving friends AND my family.  It crushes my soul some days.  Life's not fair. I know.  But it's just not fair that I have to struggle on my own and only see my kids half the time because of this.  I don't know how people do this alone.  I think the idea that no one else will ever really know me that well again makes me feel very alone in the world as well.  I have always felt that the only people that ever REALLY know you had to have known you as a child.  As adults we hide and mask certain parts of ourselves that know one else will ever really know no matter what.  Especially when we have tried to thicken up our skin to protect ourselves from being hurt over and over.  I feel guilty even writing this, like it cheapens my love for the people that care for me now and it really doesn't.  I'm just so impatient.  I want love and acceptance and complete understanding right now.  I try so hard to give these things as freely as I can to others, and I know they try and do it for me too...but still I have a hole.  I just wish it would heal up already.