Do What You Want

So, I am at a weird point in my life where I must decide whether I would like to stay in San Diego and fight to make it work or run back to AZ with my tail between my L'eggs.  Except I wouldn't be running away really, but going home to my family where life may be better for my children.  Ever since I was little I wanted to live by the beach.  I made it here by age 24 which is amazing as some people never do it in a lifetime.  I did not know marriage or divorce could go so incredibly wrong.  So, after fighting for my freedom from a controlling husband I find that now with a clear head...what is best for me is not always best for my children.  At least not exactly.  I still believe the divorce is best for everyone even if my ex and 2 sons disagree.  I don't know that living here in CA and fighting to be sure I have grocery money is the best course of action, though.  If my ex would get a job and help support the family then staying in San Diego would be the best option, but free will is a bitch I have come to find and you can't make anyone do a damn thing they don't want to. So, I will take that and make it my own and find my own way to finish what I started, which is take control of my life. It's just so ironic that I have tried so hard (and succeeded) to establish a life (home, family, friends, derby, job) of my own making only to *MAYBE* end up back where I started...

The Female Persuasion

Have you ever looked around a room and suddenly wondered what it would be like to sleep with every woman in the room?  Not because you are drunk or horny or lonely, but because you are truely suddenly urgently curious and amazed by all of them at once?  And then the feeling passes.  I think it's always just been too hard for me to maintain emotionally intimate relationships with women long term, and in my adulthood and a period of sexual rediscovery my brain is making these "waking fantasies" to keep me on my toes and remind me I have a long way to go before I even get close to figuring myself out.  Or maybe I'm just a perv ;)

Lollerderbyz Take 3

So after being out for about 8 months (minus a few weeks at SDRD) I am starting to skate again finally.  Well, I went to orientation, I should technically start skating today.  I'm so absolutely jazzed and elated about this.  SDDD has such a great practice space, and I am really looking forward to skating and learning from all of these amazing women I have been watching with my jaw on the floor for the last 2 years or so.  I am suddenly very regretful for my lack of discipline when I came to staying in shape while on "hiatus", but I have no doubt that this team will help push me to be the bestest Bacon I can be.  SOOOO Excited.

Depression vs. Annoyance

So if anyone out there has any kind of anxiety or depression you know that people like to blame your "blow-ups" on your "illness".  But what about the possibility that there are outside influences that aggravate your condition. Several times in my life I have had someone ask me if I had taken my meds...usually during a heated conversation about things that upset me.  I am not ignorant to the fact that I am subject to mood swings.  Sometimes my friends and family are unfortunate victims of my random outbursts.  But as I learn to manage myself in a healthy manner do the people closest to me not have a responsibility to be sensitive to my mood?  Or is it a matter of it not being their problem. I know I would at least try not to push peoples buttons (I don't pretend not to have made several mistakes myself tho)  And if someone pushes my buttons, do I not have a right to react...even if it's a little more exaggerated than normal.  Where do my rights go when I'm sick and how can I really know if I am overreacting until it's too late? And who do you talk to if your friends run for cover too....