Bi-Stigmatic Sexuality

With Pride on the horizon and new summer friends, I am dreading the question of my sexuality again.  I am BiSexual.  I thought I was OK with that.  I AM OK WITH THAT.  It is terribly unfortunate, however, that the term "BiSexual" brings to mind images of some asshole jacking-off in the corner of a room while he watches me make-out with his girlfriend. I truly enjoy sex, and I enjoy it with lots of different people. We poke fun. Slut. Greedy. Mormon. Meanwhile, there is the stigma of not being gay AND not being straight.  Are we both or neither?  I like to play roller derby...I am not a "Jammer", but that doesn't mean I never "Jam".  Is it not better to love many indiscriminately, or should everyone really just choose a side already?  Boxing myself in like that just sounds too sad and suffocating. So, again it is time for me to re-ground myself, take a deep breath, put on my big girl panties and just learn to be PROUD and happy with the way that I am.

"No. I'm BiSexual. YOU'RE CONFUSED!"  :)

Do What You Want

So, I am at a weird point in my life where I must decide whether I would like to stay in San Diego and fight to make it work or run back to AZ with my tail between my L'eggs.  Except I wouldn't be running away really, but going home to my family where life may be better for my children.  Ever since I was little I wanted to live by the beach.  I made it here by age 24 which is amazing as some people never do it in a lifetime.  I did not know marriage or divorce could go so incredibly wrong.  So, after fighting for my freedom from a controlling husband I find that now with a clear head...what is best for me is not always best for my children.  At least not exactly.  I still believe the divorce is best for everyone even if my ex and 2 sons disagree.  I don't know that living here in CA and fighting to be sure I have grocery money is the best course of action, though.  If my ex would get a job and help support the family then staying in San Diego would be the best option, but free will is a bitch I have come to find and you can't make anyone do a damn thing they don't want to. So, I will take that and make it my own and find my own way to finish what I started, which is take control of my life. It's just so ironic that I have tried so hard (and succeeded) to establish a life (home, family, friends, derby, job) of my own making only to *MAYBE* end up back where I started...

The Female Persuasion

Have you ever looked around a room and suddenly wondered what it would be like to sleep with every woman in the room?  Not because you are drunk or horny or lonely, but because you are truely suddenly urgently curious and amazed by all of them at once?  And then the feeling passes.  I think it's always just been too hard for me to maintain emotionally intimate relationships with women long term, and in my adulthood and a period of sexual rediscovery my brain is making these "waking fantasies" to keep me on my toes and remind me I have a long way to go before I even get close to figuring myself out.  Or maybe I'm just a perv ;)

Lollerderbyz Take 3

So after being out for about 8 months (minus a few weeks at SDRD) I am starting to skate again finally.  Well, I went to orientation, I should technically start skating today.  I'm so absolutely jazzed and elated about this.  SDDD has such a great practice space, and I am really looking forward to skating and learning from all of these amazing women I have been watching with my jaw on the floor for the last 2 years or so.  I am suddenly very regretful for my lack of discipline when I came to staying in shape while on "hiatus", but I have no doubt that this team will help push me to be the bestest Bacon I can be.  SOOOO Excited.

Depression vs. Annoyance

So if anyone out there has any kind of anxiety or depression you know that people like to blame your "blow-ups" on your "illness".  But what about the possibility that there are outside influences that aggravate your condition. Several times in my life I have had someone ask me if I had taken my meds...usually during a heated conversation about things that upset me.  I am not ignorant to the fact that I am subject to mood swings.  Sometimes my friends and family are unfortunate victims of my random outbursts.  But as I learn to manage myself in a healthy manner do the people closest to me not have a responsibility to be sensitive to my mood?  Or is it a matter of it not being their problem. I know I would at least try not to push peoples buttons (I don't pretend not to have made several mistakes myself tho)  And if someone pushes my buttons, do I not have a right to react...even if it's a little more exaggerated than normal.  Where do my rights go when I'm sick and how can I really know if I am overreacting until it's too late? And who do you talk to if your friends run for cover too....

Learning, Living, Coping, Healing

It has come to my attention that it doesn't matter how good things get, I always have something nagging in the back of my mind.  Apart from being a generally anxious personality I always have this feeling that it has something to do with my divorce.  Why do we get so caught up?  I know I loved my husband, hopelessly...for a decade.  I also know that he was unkind and emotionally crippling.  I am always wondering if the guilt/grief that hides in the back of my mind has to do with my belief that marriage is truly a union that should last forever, if I'm scared of the future, feeling my children's pain, or if you never really stop caring about someone that was so close to you.  I have a new life.  I am happy.  The people around me love me and I love them.  Sometimes I get angry that I couldn't have that WITHIN my marriage.  I feel shortchanged sometimes that I had to choose I guess. Like if the person that I loved could have just loved and accepted me for who I was, I could have a happy life with loving friends AND my family.  It crushes my soul some days.  Life's not fair. I know.  But it's just not fair that I have to struggle on my own and only see my kids half the time because of this.  I don't know how people do this alone.  I think the idea that no one else will ever really know me that well again makes me feel very alone in the world as well.  I have always felt that the only people that ever REALLY know you had to have known you as a child.  As adults we hide and mask certain parts of ourselves that know one else will ever really know no matter what.  Especially when we have tried to thicken up our skin to protect ourselves from being hurt over and over.  I feel guilty even writing this, like it cheapens my love for the people that care for me now and it really doesn't.  I'm just so impatient.  I want love and acceptance and complete understanding right now.  I try so hard to give these things as freely as I can to others, and I know they try and do it for me too...but still I have a hole.  I just wish it would heal up already.

What's Worse?

I always reread this kind of stuff like once a month when I get confused...and it always makes me feel teary-eyed.  Like maybe I was confused or wrong...and then there it all is, in black and white.  And I don't know which is worse...being totally wrong about the situation, or totally right...Symptoms of Emotional Abuse

"I'm Fat!"

I think at some point in our life we have all had the friend (or been that friend) that goes on about "I'm Fat!"...I was thinking about this a lot in the car this morning.  Women spend a lot of time thinking about how fat we are, and how to control, hide, defeat the fat.  At what point do we finally learn to come to terms with the fact that women are naturally fluffy?  It's part of our charm....I know we are taught as children that it doesn't matter what other people think, and we should learn to love our bodies, but the truth is that we rarely practice what we preach.  So, let's say that because we are human, and this is especially true with women, that it DOES matter what other people think.  Let's say our self worth is (at least partially) determined by the value other people's approval adds to our life and self.  Let me then pose a question for all of us "I'm Fat!" Girls out there...How many times do you really think a man has crawled into bed with us and thought "Damn, my chick is so soft, squishy, warm, and cuddly...I wish she was harder and bonier!"?  My best guess would be NEVER!  I have always said that what looks good in the light and what feels good in the dark are sometimes two very different things....So all you "Fat Chicks", throw on some eyeshadow, a tight dress, and some cute shoes....and STRUT YOUR SHIT! <3  (PS, That phrase, "I'm Fat!", makes everybody else feel awkward and it is a real downer.  Just because you are fat or have fat doesn't mean fat is who you are...Let's all stop adding fuel to the fire and try to give up that phrase this year)
XOXOXOX